LSD Dreams

You know, I keep reminding myself even while I am writing this blog, that these are my thoughts and words. I have been writing for someone else for so long, that the idea of branching out and really just writing what I want is mind boggling. What I want?! Damn. Where the hell do I start?

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.” - Stacey Charter

I am doing this because I want my kids to see me try. I don't want them to look at me and ask, "What did you want to be when you were a kid?" I want them to see me try to achieve "it". Even if I fail, I want them to see that it is better that I tried and failed than to have never tried. Hey, failure is just one step closer to your next success....

“To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.”

**********************************************************************

Well, I love writing and I love speaking in public. There is nothing like a captive audience to get me all worked up!! I start to get all sweaty palmed.... in a good way. My mind starts racing and I look around for interesting characters to make eye contact with during the speech. - This is a bonus!!



There are usually two very excited guest stars that I bring, that usually start pointing right at you as I begin to speak. But, I know it's not polite to point so I carry band-aids, to muffle the indiscresion. - This is a minus.



**Enter Laverne and Shirley - named that because they are 2 crazy girls, best friends, and constantly get me into trouble. ** - They are the breast, closest friends I have.

**********************************************************************

Ok.I agree. The last eargasm blog was a bit gross, it was manual style. One of the types of writing I need to be able to reflect. You will notice many different styles as you read this blog. Each one, an experiment. Each one, a challenge in itself.

Attach yourself to things you like, and agree to disagree on the rest. - Deal? WORD.



This is, again, an experiment. Judge if you want. Think what you want. But, let me tell you, that is not gonna change me. I have let "them" - as in "they say" - affect me - before. But I am too old, prideful, and understanding for that any more. Now, I am just trying to learn from MY life experiences. Yours too. (Imagine that said in Philadelphia, English, Australian and southern accents. No really try it in all 4!! It's fun!)



So... just in case you were wondering, I welcome all feedback. Let me know what you like / hate, and what you want to hear more about how you relate. We may not always have the same opinion, or agree on a point of view. I'll do me. You do you. We'll keep it at that.




So, I think I live EVERY moment to the fullest. I am EuPhOrIc..... *HAPPY!* sad. AnGrY! P@$$i0N@+E... I love you HARD until you hurt me or my loved ones -(which means finding my achillies heel), and then you may see me shrink....but ONLY if I can't figure out how to handle you. And even that won't last long... like a virgin on his honeymoon......






**LOOK AT THE GUY IN THIS PICTURE!! THIS IS A RIOT!!!!



I don't know if you have ever watched the show Ally McBeal. I LOVED that show. You know what I loved about it??? The fact that whatever she was REALLY thinking would suddenly happen and shock the shiites and suni's out of you. Next thing you know, reality bitch-slapped her. Then she would snap back into the moment a little dazed and confused. She would sometimes seem flighty. But there was a funny, Robin Williams-esque style about her thoughts.




I, for some comical reason, related to this type of thinking process. It seemed to mimic my own. I was always visualizing things, and am constantly making light of situations. I loved when a piano fell on someone, or ranch dressing poured over some guys' face because Ally's mind ran vividly wild!!!!


I am funny about words. As a reader, teacher, writer... words are my crack. A good book can give me better feelings than any kind of drug. They pump through my bloodstream; they permiate my dreams, and they surface in my daily reality.



Here is where the meat, the nucleus begins - if you will...




Recently my family has made a life change. Details to follow in another post perhaps... LOL! Let's just focus on one life lesson at a time - shall we?



The life change has offered very rocky: emotions, feelings, disappointments, and some successes. It has provided me with lessons, pride, uncertanty, and an incredible rebirth. Both in myself and people I love(d), and respected.



This change has made me feel like the youngest daughter in Poltergeist after she falls out of her closet with her mom and there is all that boogey-like mucus that is representative of after birth, covering her. I am not sure who to trust, what to think, or if my chosen path is a good one.

This is the cause of my current insomnia. It runs in my family. As it turns out, stress runs rampant through my genes on both sides. Recently, I have been having a series of dreams. Not just ordinary, "am I asleep?- Is that the Pink Panther in a Hugh Hefner smoking jacket?", dreams!! Terrifying, realistic, dreams that plink the small chords of anxiety, character focus, and introspection. Dreams that could be sparked by LSD!!!!! Only - I NEVER GOT THE FUN PART OF THIS!!! UGH!

These dreams are vivid in color, extreme in the scope of intense emotion, and they ALL seem to tapdance on the spine of my morals or beliefs. They all involve both strangers and loved ones. They evoke these INCREDIBLE emotions that seems to ring within my core. People morph in and out of one another and so do the places.

I have been so strongly affected by these dreams that I have been struck with a string of insomnia filled nights. It has been a time of retrospect, celebration, realization, and reinvention.

Here's the thing... I can handle mostly anything. But... - these dreams have me feel like I am climbing the walls!! It seems that I am always searcing for something but can't find it, or I can't swing with full force against an assailant and seem to have inherited slow motion Tae Kwan kick yo' ass skills when I need to have Jason Bourne abilities!!

I find myself being frustrated by, pissed of by, and euphoric about dreams.... Dreams??... YES!! DREAMS!!! I can't stand not being able to control this part of myself.

I can't explain what these dreams are yet. Like I said, this is an experiement. For both of us. Those explanations will eventually come up. I will be more vivid, and explanitory in the future. For now, I have admitted a big fault... and not in the juvenile, immature, maple syrup sickly sweet comically sprinkled type of way. It's dark and twisty. Yeah. I said it - dark and twisty. I want to be Izzy but end up as Christina.

I have tried Tylenol P.M. But with the other sinus meds that I am on that are supposed to make you "sleepy" - yeah right sleepy -mix them with Ambien or Tylenol PM & I really can't get motivated in the morning. I forget to put the love notes in my kid's lunches. I forget to check if their socks match. I just am a living zombie. I am trying to wean myself off of these meds. The last thing I need are more preservatives for this body. I have tried homeopathic solutions... I have tried music... I have tried reading... it just makes me mad and I want to write my own stuff. I would rather just have insomnia. I am less tired. True story. Sad but true.


I am also harder on myself than you will ever have to be. Just ask the hubby. I am my own worst critic. Hardcore. And I hide it well with sarcasm and humor. So, when I write that I need to diet because I want to leave a smaller carbon assprint.... I am probably not fitting into my fat girl pants.





So, here I go again tonight. Off to try and get a good night's sleep sans the LSD dreams. Maybe I should write about the dreams... I just try to shake them off now because of the disturbing or realisitc after effects. The dreams affect me. (Yeah - I know the difference between affect and effect!! Do you?!?!)


I am imperfect. I am faulted... but damn it!! I AM LOVABLE! & Personable AND I am human. (Plus, come on!! Check out this eye candy!!) Oh. And corny. Definitely corny.