Attention men! A public service announcement from your wives and girlfriends! Putting the toilet paper roll back on the holder WILL NOT cause brain deformity.
Here is a How To picture just in case you gentlemen forget how this works....
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
IS THIS THING ON?!?!?!?!
Ok. I grew up an Irish Catholic. We are red nosed fighters who LOVE hops and barley and fermented grapes. Heck, (I gave up cursing for Lent... you guys are SO lucky...), we are Catholic, we drink at mass!! Stand, sit, kneel and donate $$ to the baskets that are thrust into your face. All this activity is like being an aerobic prostitute for faith. All I need are leg warmers and a belt over my unitard. I learned that in order to be heard, I must take the body and soul of JC into my mouth, NOT CHEW, and confess every wrong doing to a male role model who was probably doing some wrong himself... with an alter boy. It was like putting your signals into a blender with serrated mixing spoons.
I went to Catholic school. I am the oldest of 5 and out of ALL my siblings, I am the ONLY 1 who went. I didn't just stop there. I also went to St. Joseph's University. A Jesuit College in Philly. I went there because there was a building named after my great uncle... Father Love. Yeah Hawks I am related to Love Hall. No, not hole... HALL!!!! ;) ( I later transferred to Temple. I needed diversity... and it was less expensive. So rank me up there with Bill Cosby, Bob Saget, and Hall and Oats)
During my years at Catholic school, I was taught how to start my prayers in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost..... my first grade teacher, Sister Brian Joseph, (why were all my nuns named after men?!?!?!?! Gender Blurring is what I call it), told us that making the sign of the cross before we prayed, was like turning our microphone on. A microphone to the Lord. That is how our prayers as a religion were heard above ALL others. Do you know how many nights I spent laying in my bed making the sign of the cross and wondering if my mic was on during the day while I called someone a bad name, or did something wrong? I would say I laid in the dark and crossed, and un-crossed myself at least 2o times. I turned that mic on and off all night until I finally passed out.
CRAP!! (Again, gave up cursing for Lent), do you even KNOW how stressed I was as a child that I was gonna leave my microphone on by accident?!?!? JC might, just MIGHT, and probably WILL hear something I did not want him to hear!! For a female born with the gift of sarcasm in the Catholic Church, (my FAVORITE saying is, "Eve was FRAMED!!"), I knew my mic was my Big Brother.... my potential, and inevitable downfall.
I had NO idea how true this was. I have always been a soft heart within a tough exterior. If you take the time to get to know me, you understand that. (Thanks Kong, my Jewish friend, for understanding me better than most.) Now, hopefully I am in the LAST realm of one of the most difficult points of my adult life, I can pin point the moment God decided to show me that He was, A.) Listening, and, B.) In charge. (I crossed myself just now about 5 times while I was writing this. I STILL get nervous!!)
Picture this: May '05. I had just had my 2nd baby - a girl, (THANK YOU EVE & MARY FOR LISTENING TO THAT PRAYER AND NUDGING THE FATHER AND YOUR SON!!. I had gone through hyperemesis gravidarum, a severe form of morning sickness, with "unrelenting, excessive pregnancy-related nausea and/or vomiting that prevents adequate intake of food and fluids". This means I threw up 4 - 6 times a day EVERY day for 9 months. ALL because I turned my microphone ON and prayed for a girl).
ANYWAY.... I was in the car with my 2 gorgeous "gifts" and a friend and her new "gift". I was with a good friend, Ginger Lord. We were driving to a shopping plaza to get away... (With a 2 year old and 2 infants... AWAY?!?!?!), and she asked me how I made it through my pregnancy while being SO sick. I turned to her and said, "I am a strong woman. I have Eve in my blood. If God needs to hand a complication to someone, let it be me. I can take it. Better me than someone else who can't handle it."
BIG FAT FREAKING MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hello? Syphilis! Syphilis! Testies, 1! 2! - 1! 2! My mic was ON!!!! He heard me. Eve took pride. She waved her "Eve"rlasting dust on me. I was pegged. I was, despite my early homeless, and rough years, gonna be put to an even greater test as an adult. God and Eve laughed at my mere peek into the mortal portal. They took my declaration of faith, trust, and human strength and decided that they were gonna make me the female martyr of my personal peer group within my 21st century. An unsure female leader with more on my shoulders than a team of anorexic cheerleaders.
Now, for the last 6 months, I have been been tested. Tested SO hard that, at times, I feel like I just stepped off the short bus, with a nasty case of leprosy and facial acne, into a crowd of popular, judgemental tweens. I feel like Nickelback at a Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards. And you know what? Like Mindy McCready, I'm still here. I'm still standing. This is not due to my superhuman or omnipotent strength, it's due to the grace of God, and Eve who recognizes that I empathize her centuries of pain and dismissal. Eve, maybe we were both framed.... (Cross, un-cross, cross, un-cross, cross..... and yet it still goes on and on....)
Look, I am no modern Gloria Steinem. I am the breast and I NEED my bras. I love my girls, but I need my bras and I love men. Love, not understand, the minds and hearts of men. But, I do believe that women possess a certain charm, understanding, and a fine-tuning toward the world. AND, I am smart enough to KNOW that I am not the smartest girl in the world. Not by a LONG shot. However, I do have tenacity. I believe that with communication, we can all really co-exist with minimal conflict. Like a Doberman Pincher who adopts kittens, we can learn how to defend, love each other and how to co-exist. None of us needs to be framed.
Now, with this public announcement of egocentric behavior, observation, and self-reflection, I want to say 1 thing to God and the world.... "OLLIE OLLIE OXENFREAKINGFREE!!!!!!!!" Time to turn the mic off!! I don't mind being heard, I just want to make sure that the next time I say something, even with the BEST of intentions, that it is taken with a grain of salt. Hello?!? JC? Eve? Mary? Do you hear me?! Is this thing ON?!?!? I am naturally silly.... I am gonna say the wrong thing at the wrong time. So... in order to avoid carpel tunnel syndrome from all of this crossing and un-crossing of myself.... can anyone tell me, (????), how to tell if my mic is on or off?!?!? Is there an iPhone APP for that?
I'm not sayin'.... I'M JUST SAYIN'!!!! For those who know me... you know what THAT means! For those in the middle seats of this roller coaster ride instead of the front or the back... just hang on... pay attention.... you'll catch on to the thrill soon.
I went to Catholic school. I am the oldest of 5 and out of ALL my siblings, I am the ONLY 1 who went. I didn't just stop there. I also went to St. Joseph's University. A Jesuit College in Philly. I went there because there was a building named after my great uncle... Father Love. Yeah Hawks I am related to Love Hall. No, not hole... HALL!!!! ;) ( I later transferred to Temple. I needed diversity... and it was less expensive. So rank me up there with Bill Cosby, Bob Saget, and Hall and Oats)
During my years at Catholic school, I was taught how to start my prayers in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost..... my first grade teacher, Sister Brian Joseph, (why were all my nuns named after men?!?!?!?! Gender Blurring is what I call it), told us that making the sign of the cross before we prayed, was like turning our microphone on. A microphone to the Lord. That is how our prayers as a religion were heard above ALL others. Do you know how many nights I spent laying in my bed making the sign of the cross and wondering if my mic was on during the day while I called someone a bad name, or did something wrong? I would say I laid in the dark and crossed, and un-crossed myself at least 2o times. I turned that mic on and off all night until I finally passed out.
CRAP!! (Again, gave up cursing for Lent), do you even KNOW how stressed I was as a child that I was gonna leave my microphone on by accident?!?!? JC might, just MIGHT, and probably WILL hear something I did not want him to hear!! For a female born with the gift of sarcasm in the Catholic Church, (my FAVORITE saying is, "Eve was FRAMED!!"), I knew my mic was my Big Brother.... my potential, and inevitable downfall.
I had NO idea how true this was. I have always been a soft heart within a tough exterior. If you take the time to get to know me, you understand that. (Thanks Kong, my Jewish friend, for understanding me better than most.) Now, hopefully I am in the LAST realm of one of the most difficult points of my adult life, I can pin point the moment God decided to show me that He was, A.) Listening, and, B.) In charge. (I crossed myself just now about 5 times while I was writing this. I STILL get nervous!!)
Picture this: May '05. I had just had my 2nd baby - a girl, (THANK YOU EVE & MARY FOR LISTENING TO THAT PRAYER AND NUDGING THE FATHER AND YOUR SON!!. I had gone through hyperemesis gravidarum, a severe form of morning sickness, with "unrelenting, excessive pregnancy-related nausea and/or vomiting that prevents adequate intake of food and fluids". This means I threw up 4 - 6 times a day EVERY day for 9 months. ALL because I turned my microphone ON and prayed for a girl).
ANYWAY.... I was in the car with my 2 gorgeous "gifts" and a friend and her new "gift". I was with a good friend, Ginger Lord. We were driving to a shopping plaza to get away... (With a 2 year old and 2 infants... AWAY?!?!?!), and she asked me how I made it through my pregnancy while being SO sick. I turned to her and said, "I am a strong woman. I have Eve in my blood. If God needs to hand a complication to someone, let it be me. I can take it. Better me than someone else who can't handle it."
BIG FAT FREAKING MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hello? Syphilis! Syphilis! Testies, 1! 2! - 1! 2! My mic was ON!!!! He heard me. Eve took pride. She waved her "Eve"rlasting dust on me. I was pegged. I was, despite my early homeless, and rough years, gonna be put to an even greater test as an adult. God and Eve laughed at my mere peek into the mortal portal. They took my declaration of faith, trust, and human strength and decided that they were gonna make me the female martyr of my personal peer group within my 21st century. An unsure female leader with more on my shoulders than a team of anorexic cheerleaders.
Now, for the last 6 months, I have been been tested. Tested SO hard that, at times, I feel like I just stepped off the short bus, with a nasty case of leprosy and facial acne, into a crowd of popular, judgemental tweens. I feel like Nickelback at a Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards. And you know what? Like Mindy McCready, I'm still here. I'm still standing. This is not due to my superhuman or omnipotent strength, it's due to the grace of God, and Eve who recognizes that I empathize her centuries of pain and dismissal. Eve, maybe we were both framed.... (Cross, un-cross, cross, un-cross, cross..... and yet it still goes on and on....)
Look, I am no modern Gloria Steinem. I am the breast and I NEED my bras. I love my girls, but I need my bras and I love men. Love, not understand, the minds and hearts of men. But, I do believe that women possess a certain charm, understanding, and a fine-tuning toward the world. AND, I am smart enough to KNOW that I am not the smartest girl in the world. Not by a LONG shot. However, I do have tenacity. I believe that with communication, we can all really co-exist with minimal conflict. Like a Doberman Pincher who adopts kittens, we can learn how to defend, love each other and how to co-exist. None of us needs to be framed.
Now, with this public announcement of egocentric behavior, observation, and self-reflection, I want to say 1 thing to God and the world.... "OLLIE OLLIE OXENFREAKINGFREE!!!!!!!!" Time to turn the mic off!! I don't mind being heard, I just want to make sure that the next time I say something, even with the BEST of intentions, that it is taken with a grain of salt. Hello?!? JC? Eve? Mary? Do you hear me?! Is this thing ON?!?!? I am naturally silly.... I am gonna say the wrong thing at the wrong time. So... in order to avoid carpel tunnel syndrome from all of this crossing and un-crossing of myself.... can anyone tell me, (????), how to tell if my mic is on or off?!?!? Is there an iPhone APP for that?
I'm not sayin'.... I'M JUST SAYIN'!!!! For those who know me... you know what THAT means! For those in the middle seats of this roller coaster ride instead of the front or the back... just hang on... pay attention.... you'll catch on to the thrill soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)