Eargasms, Jenisms, and NUH!!!!!

Probably one of BEST feelings in the world is an eargasm. Seriously. I should own stock in Johnson & Johnson Q-tips. I can easily use at least 10 Q-tips a day. This is one of those tiny quirky things about me. And it's contageous.....


My good friends have known about the eargasms for a while. I always have a plethera of wax removal devices within reach. Most of the time, I am SO intent on the maintenance of my little Pinna and the Meatus, - (notice how I just dropped that little bit of anatomy in your lap? Like I was a professor or something. That right. With confidence too. Almost made me sound smart too.... WORD!!), - that the canal itself becomes an intense nerve waiting to be satisfied.

My intense ear fixation seems to be almost Pavlovian. I think about my ear, or see it in some reflective surface, and the addiction begins. I tell myself, just this one time, just to reward myself for waiting so long, I will reward myself with a little itch. Just a quick one. I will not be labor intensive with my chore... it's healthy... everyone does it....I MUST satisfy this intense need. MUST SCRATCH THE ITCH!!!










I keep the woofers and tweeters on the sides my head clean, so usually nothing comes out. I have taken my eargasm seminar not only across the country, but into other countries as well. There are a few things you need to know about today's highlighted body part - the ear....

• Cerumen is the medical term for earwax.


• There are 2 kids of earwax: wet, (dominant trait), or dry, (recessive). Most East Asians and Native Americans are likely to have the dry while caucasians and Africans are most likely to have the honey brown colored wet type.
  
  

• I am caucasian AND I have the dry type - therefore, I continue my motto of: Proving People Wrong Since 1974!




• Fear, stress, and anxiety can increase the production of the ceruminous glands. That means if you are a walking ticking time bomb of stress or anxiety - **Ring ring! Pot? This is the kettle. You're black!!**



• Jaw movement helps to aid the natural cleanin process of the ear. You would think that would keep me safe from needing the Q-tip - and I do NEED it. But no, my flapping jaws has no effect on my audio addiction.



• Do you think it's coincidental that the company that makes Q-tips is named Johnson??? I mean, if you think about it, it IS metaphorically appropriate to suggest that cleaning the ear is sexual in nature.



• Think about it - you have a Johnson, and then you insert this object into a wet, moist canal.... the canal feels incredible.... That's why I say, in the scheme of life, I am glad I am the canal and not the Q-tip. Much more intense pleasure via the ear.

Now you can see why the name eargasm surfaces. It's a little "Jenism" I like to toss around. The word eargasm ranks right up there with some other "Jenisms" I would like to now introduce you to:

• Chesticles - the tiny excess fat that oozes out of your dress between the top of your milkers and your nasty arm pit. OR - For men, AKA moobs. Man boobs.


• FUPA - Fat Upper Pu... Area. It's why women eventually have to buy "mom jeans" they need the extra space to hide their kangaroo pouch or the Fetal Hotel.


• Switties - Sweaty Milkers.


• Swussy - Read the above and refer to the below.


• Mooseknuckle - a giant sized Yaybia stuffed into too little fabric.


• NUH!! - This is actually more of an Angelaism than a Jenism. But I officially adopted it and use it at length. Nuh, (especially if you make an ugly face and draw out the N and the H), is affective for stating how gross or strange the situation is.

And these my friends are my random thougths of the day. Take these, be disciples for the isms. They make for interesting conversation.

Peace be with you ... and also with you... **ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling**

Modern Punky Brewster and Gay Wolverine

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All the single ladies.... all the single ladies....

I have been working around and with girls for a long time, and in MANY capacities. Being a girl is hard. Let me tell you, the pressure to look. act and be a certain way - it is exhausting.

I love it - don't get me wrong. Being a girl is really hard, but so is being really smart, or blindingly beautiful. *sigh* The burdeons we women bear....

Today I want to blab on about the beginning of the female Metamorphasis. We are gonna talk about the start of womanhood.... just the tip.... just for a minute.... just to see how it feels.....

Girls suffer throught what I call the "Ophelia" years. Usually, girls suffer through this between the ages of 13 - 19. We ALL suffer through this. Every one of us is a master of awkward situations. Doesn't it feel good to know you are not alone?

"Ophelia" is from Shakespear. She spends her time worrying how she appears to the men in her life. She has no personal identity. Without the men in her life, she does not exist. She lets her environment drive her to the brink of madness and never pushes back. Ladies - when push comes to shove... shove harder than your opponent.

The Ophelia years really begin when you buy your first Teen Beat magazine. (Yeah, I busted out Teen Beat. It ranks right up there with Ozone from Breaking 2 Electric Boogaloo.) You start to get symptoms when you develop your first crush. When for the first time, you start to look outside of yourself. You first ,perceive others as cooler, better, prettier, skinnier.... Oh, the list goes on.

During this time girls can, and will be, girls. Here is a brief shesaurus of girlisms- Girls are:

"Miss" understood

"Miss" represented

"Miss" interpreted

"Miss" directed

"Miss" communicated

"Miss" informed

And a lot of other Miss words I can't think of right now. But all of those are a story for another time.

Perception is reality. What a girl perceives to be true, is her reality. Oh and that perception, it gets a little cloudy for about a week or so each month.

*Enter Eve*

I believe Eve was framed. She gets a bad rap. She needed that apple. I mean, any woman will tell you - at length - about how important fiber is in our diets. Ladies - am I right or what?

Eve knew we were the stronger gender and "took one for the team". Bitch.

This is when Ophelia kicks into overdrive. We lose ourselves and let others lead us. This is vulnerability at it's greatest. But it is also a time for introspection, learning, and experiementation. We begin to experiement with our character. Who do I want to be? What do I stand for? Why did I think I EVER looked good in that?????

This is also when we can make grave, and impactful mistakes. It all starts with Eve.... and sex.

Yes. Sex. I threw it out there. It's a taboo subject but everone on this Earth is here because 2 people had sex. Look, well get into that in MUCH more depth in another blog... today, I am going to leave my young female padawans with just a few words of experience and personal wisdom:

Everyone makes mistakes. I make a lot. Daily.... on many, many levels. But just make sure they are mistakes you learn from. If you are a single lady - or even a married lady for that matter - sex is something we see or experience everyday.

It's on tv. It's in our magazines. It's in our music. It is ever present and always trying to influence who we are and who we want to become. Don't let what the media puts out, mold you too much.

I am not going to go on a World Tour titled "Let me tell you how you should be living your life!!" I know the minute I do that, or feel it from others, I put up my deflectors and use those bad boys like Wonder Woman's cool gold bangle bracelets. ( Those bracelets were SO cool! Fashionable AND Functional?? Oh my!!!)

But I will leave you with this - When you are trying to decide how, when, or if, here is a little diddy - or mantra if you will - that I replay in my head:

If you don't want to - you don't have to - Tell them to FLICK off! - The box is locked so go jerk off. ;) Yeah - you'll be using that one on your next girl's night out. And there are hand motions and everything....

Salutations

This is an experiement. Apparently in the media or writing world everyone has a blog. Employers are asking me for my blog as an example of personal writing. So.....here is my attempt.

I am funny. I am crazy. I am an enigma wrapped in a question mark without a theory. I am a force to be reckoned with.

Here are some things you need to know about me ;)

1.) 99% of the time I am being, (or trying to be), funny, or sarcastic. - “Sarcasm: intellect on the offensive” In fact one of my FAVORITE sites is http://www.sarcasmsociety.com/ I am not just a member.... I also sleep with the President!

A.) Laughter and the rush of seratonin that it brings is the BEST feeling in the WORLD!!!!! I LOVE to laugh. Even more than laughing, I LOVE making other people laugh.

B.) Bringing joy to someone around me makes me happier than any high on Earth. FUNNY is attractive, enlightening, and endearing. It also masks emotions you don't always want to share.

2.) I taught 11th grade English. That year is when I started to understand why some animals eat their young. I love teaching and instructing. I LOVE being the "guest star" - the speaker - the coach - the instructor. But I hated the negativity of some veteran teachers, parents, students, and Administration. However, I really have a cool way or connecting with this age group. I get them. They think I am lame. I find humor in that.

A.) I say WORD! A lot. Don't blame me. I learned it from Vanilla Ice. Word... to your Motha..... It's a real generational thing. Like, groovy, or awesome, or FfffffABUOoooooUuuuSSSS! I read. I like words. I like being "punny" - Yeah, that's a word.... google it.... google magic my friends....

B.) I can name MANY Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, REO Speedwagon, Styx or Mr. Big Songs. Ice Ice Baby..... Ninja Rap.... Can't Touch This.... 2-Legit .... Sailing.... I Just Wanna Be With You.... You name it - I danced to it or sang it on the bus to an away game in high school. - I even still remember my HS Alma Mater!!!!

C.) I write and give seminars on The Stages of Group Development. I am a MASTER at this. I have actually given my version of this seminar over 200 times. Yet.... I am still blind when it comes to my own situation. - “What I lack in decorum, I make up for with an absence of tact.” - Don Williams Jr.

D.) I have to have a D because I am a Libra. I like even numbers. I HATE odd numbers. They make me uncomfortable. Plus, it's kinda the - "Rule of Thumb" - (and I hate rule of thumb. It's history. The fact that husbands could beat their wives with a tree branch, or switch, that was no wider than their thumb). Yeah..... I would beat a mo fo's a$$!!!!

3.) You can only hurt me if I allow myself to love you first. The harder I love you, the more you can wound me. I love God, my family, and my friends. Especially the SUPERFRIENDS!!!!! the Superfriends are my everything. Hurt them....and you choose to wound me anyway. You deserve the wrath. I mean that. Hurting someone on purpose sucks. It's mean and you make Jesus cry when you do that. You deserve creepy crawly things invading your personal space if you do that. And you make me angry.... you won't like me when I'm angry....

A.) If I hurt you and know it - I am the FIRST person to say I am sorry. I am more sensitive than I let on. - I get SICK over hurting others. Unless you hurt my family....then we are.....DONE!!!

“Last night I had a revelation - Somehow I have to make you pay - It's all about manipulation - And what it takes to get my way - I don't believe in soft solutions - No one makes a fool of me - Without receiving retribution - No one hurts me and goes free - I'll play on your fears, - I'll leave you in tears - You'll never be the same, my friend - You're walking a line, it's a matter of time - You'll never rest easy again - I've got the power to bring you down - I've heard it said, to err is human - It's forgiveness that's divine - I thought about forgiving you, butI want revenge, I want what's mine - I think it's time to settle scores now - It's time to set the record straight - You'll know it's coming, you won't know how or when, - you'll have to watch and wait - I'll play on your fears, I'll leave you in tears - You'll never be the same, my friend - You're walking a line, it's a matter of time - You'll never rest easy again - I've got the power to bring you down - You know, it feels intoxicating - To be intimidating - It's invigoratingTo see you shaking - I've got the power to bring you down - You know something, you see it coming, You know I will stop at nothing.” - Red Delicious

B.) I have diahrea of the mouth and actions at times. It's like emotional IBS. It seems to run in my gene pool. I keep pent up and unemotional for as long as I can.... and then SPLAT!!! Emotions everywhere. So.... you NEVER know what I am going to say. Take me with a grain of salt. I change my mind more often than I change my socks. All I can say is this blog.... this experiment.... it just promises to be entertaining for all of us.

4.) I live every moment of every day 100%. When I am happy, I laugh from the belly! When I am sad, I cry from my soul. I think depression is just anger without motivation. Most people wish they had 1 real moment. I have 100 a day. I am an inspiration and a fear at the same time. I am not afraid of failure.... actually, I am more afraid of success. I have been a mentor to many but very few people have tried to lead me. I wish I had more willing mentors.

5.) I have a weakspot for kids. Children are our future. Keep them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they posess inside. Give them a sense of pride..... I love my kids MOST of all! I am one of those shallow, dilusional mothers who thinks she has THE CUTEST and FUNNIEST kids in the WORLD!!!!!

6.) I am going through a life change. I have what I call LSD dreams. I have NEVER done the drug but I have disturbing dreams where I can't tell reality from fantasy. I wake up A LOT at night. I feel stressed, angry, and frustrated due to dreams...... So it's hard for me to say I'd rather be awake when I fall asleep.....

But instead of stressing.... instead of letting the terrorists win.... I will write. I will use my very small sliver of alone time productively. Or Introspectively.

God Bless.

LSD Dreams

You know, I keep reminding myself even while I am writing this blog, that these are my thoughts and words. I have been writing for someone else for so long, that the idea of branching out and really just writing what I want is mind boggling. What I want?! Damn. Where the hell do I start?

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.” - Stacey Charter

I am doing this because I want my kids to see me try. I don't want them to look at me and ask, "What did you want to be when you were a kid?" I want them to see me try to achieve "it". Even if I fail, I want them to see that it is better that I tried and failed than to have never tried. Hey, failure is just one step closer to your next success....

“To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.”

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Well, I love writing and I love speaking in public. There is nothing like a captive audience to get me all worked up!! I start to get all sweaty palmed.... in a good way. My mind starts racing and I look around for interesting characters to make eye contact with during the speech. - This is a bonus!!



There are usually two very excited guest stars that I bring, that usually start pointing right at you as I begin to speak. But, I know it's not polite to point so I carry band-aids, to muffle the indiscresion. - This is a minus.



**Enter Laverne and Shirley - named that because they are 2 crazy girls, best friends, and constantly get me into trouble. ** - They are the breast, closest friends I have.

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Ok.I agree. The last eargasm blog was a bit gross, it was manual style. One of the types of writing I need to be able to reflect. You will notice many different styles as you read this blog. Each one, an experiment. Each one, a challenge in itself.

Attach yourself to things you like, and agree to disagree on the rest. - Deal? WORD.



This is, again, an experiment. Judge if you want. Think what you want. But, let me tell you, that is not gonna change me. I have let "them" - as in "they say" - affect me - before. But I am too old, prideful, and understanding for that any more. Now, I am just trying to learn from MY life experiences. Yours too. (Imagine that said in Philadelphia, English, Australian and southern accents. No really try it in all 4!! It's fun!)



So... just in case you were wondering, I welcome all feedback. Let me know what you like / hate, and what you want to hear more about how you relate. We may not always have the same opinion, or agree on a point of view. I'll do me. You do you. We'll keep it at that.




So, I think I live EVERY moment to the fullest. I am EuPhOrIc..... *HAPPY!* sad. AnGrY! P@$$i0N@+E... I love you HARD until you hurt me or my loved ones -(which means finding my achillies heel), and then you may see me shrink....but ONLY if I can't figure out how to handle you. And even that won't last long... like a virgin on his honeymoon......






**LOOK AT THE GUY IN THIS PICTURE!! THIS IS A RIOT!!!!



I don't know if you have ever watched the show Ally McBeal. I LOVED that show. You know what I loved about it??? The fact that whatever she was REALLY thinking would suddenly happen and shock the shiites and suni's out of you. Next thing you know, reality bitch-slapped her. Then she would snap back into the moment a little dazed and confused. She would sometimes seem flighty. But there was a funny, Robin Williams-esque style about her thoughts.




I, for some comical reason, related to this type of thinking process. It seemed to mimic my own. I was always visualizing things, and am constantly making light of situations. I loved when a piano fell on someone, or ranch dressing poured over some guys' face because Ally's mind ran vividly wild!!!!


I am funny about words. As a reader, teacher, writer... words are my crack. A good book can give me better feelings than any kind of drug. They pump through my bloodstream; they permiate my dreams, and they surface in my daily reality.



Here is where the meat, the nucleus begins - if you will...




Recently my family has made a life change. Details to follow in another post perhaps... LOL! Let's just focus on one life lesson at a time - shall we?



The life change has offered very rocky: emotions, feelings, disappointments, and some successes. It has provided me with lessons, pride, uncertanty, and an incredible rebirth. Both in myself and people I love(d), and respected.



This change has made me feel like the youngest daughter in Poltergeist after she falls out of her closet with her mom and there is all that boogey-like mucus that is representative of after birth, covering her. I am not sure who to trust, what to think, or if my chosen path is a good one.

This is the cause of my current insomnia. It runs in my family. As it turns out, stress runs rampant through my genes on both sides. Recently, I have been having a series of dreams. Not just ordinary, "am I asleep?- Is that the Pink Panther in a Hugh Hefner smoking jacket?", dreams!! Terrifying, realistic, dreams that plink the small chords of anxiety, character focus, and introspection. Dreams that could be sparked by LSD!!!!! Only - I NEVER GOT THE FUN PART OF THIS!!! UGH!

These dreams are vivid in color, extreme in the scope of intense emotion, and they ALL seem to tapdance on the spine of my morals or beliefs. They all involve both strangers and loved ones. They evoke these INCREDIBLE emotions that seems to ring within my core. People morph in and out of one another and so do the places.

I have been so strongly affected by these dreams that I have been struck with a string of insomnia filled nights. It has been a time of retrospect, celebration, realization, and reinvention.

Here's the thing... I can handle mostly anything. But... - these dreams have me feel like I am climbing the walls!! It seems that I am always searcing for something but can't find it, or I can't swing with full force against an assailant and seem to have inherited slow motion Tae Kwan kick yo' ass skills when I need to have Jason Bourne abilities!!

I find myself being frustrated by, pissed of by, and euphoric about dreams.... Dreams??... YES!! DREAMS!!! I can't stand not being able to control this part of myself.

I can't explain what these dreams are yet. Like I said, this is an experiement. For both of us. Those explanations will eventually come up. I will be more vivid, and explanitory in the future. For now, I have admitted a big fault... and not in the juvenile, immature, maple syrup sickly sweet comically sprinkled type of way. It's dark and twisty. Yeah. I said it - dark and twisty. I want to be Izzy but end up as Christina.

I have tried Tylenol P.M. But with the other sinus meds that I am on that are supposed to make you "sleepy" - yeah right sleepy -mix them with Ambien or Tylenol PM & I really can't get motivated in the morning. I forget to put the love notes in my kid's lunches. I forget to check if their socks match. I just am a living zombie. I am trying to wean myself off of these meds. The last thing I need are more preservatives for this body. I have tried homeopathic solutions... I have tried music... I have tried reading... it just makes me mad and I want to write my own stuff. I would rather just have insomnia. I am less tired. True story. Sad but true.


I am also harder on myself than you will ever have to be. Just ask the hubby. I am my own worst critic. Hardcore. And I hide it well with sarcasm and humor. So, when I write that I need to diet because I want to leave a smaller carbon assprint.... I am probably not fitting into my fat girl pants.





So, here I go again tonight. Off to try and get a good night's sleep sans the LSD dreams. Maybe I should write about the dreams... I just try to shake them off now because of the disturbing or realisitc after effects. The dreams affect me. (Yeah - I know the difference between affect and effect!! Do you?!?!)


I am imperfect. I am faulted... but damn it!! I AM LOVABLE! & Personable AND I am human. (Plus, come on!! Check out this eye candy!!) Oh. And corny. Definitely corny.